Thursday, October 9, 2003
Oh. Incidentally, i have been to a nice wedding dinner, watch sinbad with friends and attended 3 oil painting lessons in the past month. Nothing much to talk about except that it took us 3 lessons before we even begin painting on the 4th. Am a little miffed about that. Teacher is very "china-centric" and quite biased. Sometimes i have to freeze my face just so i don't make funny faces at comments he makes (e.g. everything in china good, western world bad). But i must say that he has good oil painting skills, which is why i am there in the first place.
Ruski's Damage Assessment:
1) Mild fever
2) All his nails were terribly chipped and splintered, and one of his "thumb" nail was totally torn out that even the pad was gone. So all that's left is this nub and pink flesh. *ouch*
3) Emotional trauma. Still in a state of shock, he doesn't eat much and was in terrible need for attention and tender loving care. So much so that when i let him sleep with me for the night, he did not leave the bed at all and was constantly waking me up with tiny meows and nudging me to cuddle him by barrowing under my arm.
Think he must have been totally stressed out in the last couple of days. Sigh.
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
Thanks to everyone that helped these last few days...
you.. for walking with me all over the estate even on your birthday to look for him, doing up the lost cat poster and constantly reassuring me that he will be okie.
angela.. for putting up all the notices around internet websites, emailing catwelfare society, SPCA and AVA and offering to help me search for him during the weekend.
all my friends.. for caring and constantly comforting me while he was gone.
and finally my neighbours Mrs and Miss Bergman, for finding him.
Thank you people! *beams*
CAT FOUND
After a harrowing 3 days, Ruski was finally found early this morning! Woken up this morning at 7 by a phone call from my neighbour living in the lane behind my house saying that she saw a cat fitting Ruski description outside her house. I immediately dashed out (without even brushing my teeth) and found this Caucasian lady and her daughter keeping watch at my cat who was crouching at the ledge across the drain. Initially i couldn't really see him from afar because it was rather dark and was going to rain. He looked really scared and didn't want to move when i called out to him. When i attempted to reach across the drain for him, he got a fright and run into the bushes along the drain. In the end i had to step into the drain to be closer to him and my neighbours tried to block off the corners. He must have felt threatened when the lady tried talking to him and he started hissing at us. It was only when i stretched out my hand slowly to him into the bushes, he stopped hissing for a while and licked my hand. However, he wouldn't budge and when i attempted to grab him from his neck to pull him out, he struggled and yelped. It took a while to untangle him from under the bushes and get him out but by then he was so traumatized, he was making a hell of a noise and i tripped in the drain, and he immediately ran into my neighbour's house.
Luckily he did not go very far and just crouched near the gate. To avoid scaring him again, i had to approach him very slowly. I talked to him for a bit to calm him down because though he did not hiss or make noise, he continued to crouch and looked ready to bolt. It's only after 1 or 2 minutes that he flopped over the way he usually would at home when i talked to him and become more relaxed that i was able to pick him up and carried him home. He was shivering as i carried him and was meowing a lot as we walked pass the main road as he was scared of the noises and rain (started to drizzle by then). He only stopped once i stepped into my house and he must have recognized the staircase to my room as he began purring once i walked up towards it.
It must have been tough on the little rascal while he was outside as he started meowing for food the minute he went into the room and walked around the toilet cupboard where the food is. And the way he eats! He was so hungry and impatient that half the bowl of food landed on the floor than into his mouth. Its only after a while that he calmed down and groom himself at a corner as i got dressed to go to work. While he did not answer me when outside, he did so now when i called his name. But i could see that he is still in shock as he usually like to cuddle and will respond fairly quickly when i asked him to come. Now he was just contented to lay in the corner. However, he enjoyed me patting him and was purring and purring. Finally when i stepped out of my room to go to work, he started yelping again, which i think its because he is probably still insecure or scared. It took a while to calm down again and was eating from his bowl when i sneaked out to go work.
I think he must have been hiding in my neighbour's house for the last few nights as my neighbour kept 4 cats and had left some food around for her cats. Her daughter was very nice and when knew that i lost my cat, has been trying to look out for Ruski in her backyard just in case he came by. Luckily for me that these neighbours are such cat lovers and helped me looked out for him or else i don't think i would ever get Ruski back again. This time round i am going to lock Ruski in for sure and get him a tag for his collar. I don't think i can take it if it happens again. Couldn't sleep well for the past few days because i was so worried. Now i can at last breathe a sigh of relief.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
The cat has been gone for 3 days now and life has not been quite the same. I don't know how many times when i walked up the stairs to my room, expecting to hear him meow from behind door greeting me, only to find the door ajar and room quiet. I have forgotten how lonely cat-less nights are.
No funny "midnight madness" where he would just dash from one corner to another like the devil's on his tail suddenly. No furry bundle of claws and teeth nesting up my neck. No beseeching looks outside the toilet cupboard. No heavy, hot weight lying on my lap as i sit at the computer. No one to play esso tiger with. No shredded fur dusting my bed covers, dresser, toilet sink. No hide and seek in my worerobe. No chasing him round the room when he misbehaves. No waking up to "alarm" calls from the toilet. No contented little sighs as he curled up on the pillow next to me. No pouncing on insects such as bugs and tiny cockroaches. No hiding under the duvet whenever i tuck myself in. No stretching on the floor. No scratching on my drawer. No biting. No nibbles.
No longer having to think about putting the toilet seat cover down. (He dropped in once you see...). No longer having to keep the shower stall doors closed (it may get his paws wet and wet paws plus litter box equal messy floors). No longer having to keep the tap dripping when i'm brushing my teeth (since he hate drinking from the bowl, probably because water becomes stale). No longer having to tie up my curtains (or else he would play with it and leave behind holes). No longer having to put my clips, rubber bands and rings into their boxes (since he tends to play and bite them, inevitably they will end up under my bed).
So many things i don't have to do now. Yet i still do. Habits i have cultivated since the cat came into my life. Rules i made other people follow when they stepped into my room. At times, it is unnerving to be in my room alone and suddenly thought i heard his bell ringing, like the way it would as he jumped from the sink to the ground. I would look out the window, peering into the darkness hoping to see some cat wandering outside on the road.
I have been cycling around my estate the last 2 days after midnight, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Perhaps he is under some drain or car and would come out at night to look for food. I met many cats but none with a green collar and a silver bell. None with a sagging tummy and fluffy fur on the belly. None obese and fat that will need a diet.
Giving out flyers to my neighbours. Defacing public properties by putting up illegal lost posters at bus stops. Hounding AVA and SPCA. Putting up notice on internet websites. Being suspicious of my neighbours. Hypersensitive to every cat cries in the neighbourhood.
I don't deal very well with loss i think.
Monday, October 6, 2003
October 5th.
Happy 27th birthday to you.
I'm sorry that your birthday was spent helping me to look for Ruski.
I was supposed to cook you dinner but you bought me chicken rice instead when you found out Ruski got lost and i would be too dejected to eat.
You walked with me shouting his name and told me not to worry and that someone must have taken care of him because you know i would be worried if he was caught in the rain and hungry.
Thank you.
Sorry for making a muck of your birthday.
October 4th.
Ruski took a leap of faith and landed in my neighbour's house and run out while they tried to catch him. And he has been missing ever since. No effort was spare trying to locate him but still, no clue to where he may be. I am worried sick and please, if anyone see a brown stripped tabby cat around East coast road area, leave a note or email or call me.
Lost... Please Find Me
Cat-less Days
Cat-less days are spent...
not waiting for a ritual greeting at the door when i returned home
not looking forward for a furry bundle to lay on my chest when i lie down
not listening to his "complains" when i clip his nails or give him a bath
not scolding him fat when he looks at the toilet cupboard waiting for more food
not playing fetch with his favourite esso tiger
not threatening him with a loud "hmm" whenever he sharpened his claws on my couch
not patting his head and avoiding his tummy as he lay on my dressing table
not shutting him in the toilet for the night and letting him out in the morning
not surprising him as he slept in the toilet sink during the hot sunday afternoons
not doing anything much but waiting for him to come home...
but spent...
walking around looking at every drains and alley calling out his name
scouring around the estate knocking on every neighbours' door
visiting and revisiting every alleys and drains just to make sure
cycling hours at night peering under cars and trunks and garbage cans
printing "lost" posters and delivering them to different mailboxes
just looking through the internet and checking for phone messages
just wondering who could be taking care of him now
just waiting at the door
just waiting for him to come home.
And you better come home soon, you stupid cat.
I miss you.
Monday, September 15, 2003
Friday, September 12, 2003
Thursday, September 11, 2003
I am signing up for another round of oil painting classes. Only this time it is at NAFA instead of La-selle. Was planning to sign up for the intermediate oil painting class this semester (gosh, i talk like a teacher/student) at La-selle but the class was cancelled due to not having enough participants. I was quite disappointed actually. Anyway, his friend (another teacher who was attending the metal casting classes with him last semester) wanted to try oil painting as well and told us about the course at NAFA and gave me the email for the adminstrator there. At first, the guy sent me info about the basic oil painting course which i have already completed at La-selle. So when i asked him for something more indepth, he recommended this other class that they have called "Techniques in oil painting landscapes". The only thing is, the class will be conducted in Mandarin. The course outline itself is quite interesting as they will be going through how to do landscape painting outside (not sure will be going out or not) and talk about specific techniques. Exactly what i am looking for because i want to refine and practise my basic skills in oil painting, except i wasn't very prepared about doing it in Mandarin. Actually, it doesn't really matter since my grasp of Mandarin isn't that bad. Well, actually, i shouldn't have problem with it at all. But i guess i have never attended a class conducted in Mandarin before (well, except second-language classes in school) and the notion actually is quite intriging. Hopefully i won't make a fool of myself especially i suspect most participants would be quite "powerful" in Mandarin. *chuckles*
Maybe i should talk about something i know nuts about.
Last saturday, i accompanied him to a workshop/forum/talk (i really can't decide which it is) at PKW where he was one of the panelists speaking in the morning. The topic for the day (there were 3 sessions in all) was Art and Technology (or something like that). Some interesting points were brought up, for example, how there is a evolution of technology within art history itself from the most primitive (e.g. stoneage man curving on his roof with a rock) to the cyberart of today (e.g. computer animations), going in tandem with mankind's evolution. I guess i have never thought of painting as a form of "technology" and the typical layman view would be (at least for me): painting evokes a sense of tradition or historical or even old, while technology usually mean new, digital, electronic etc. Simplistic view of course and i'm glad that this forum has made me think alittle harder on this subject.
[I think i can articulate better talking or discussing such issues with people than typing it out. Somehow, words is not flowing as much. Perhaps because this is not really something i know much about. Ok, to get back to the real topic i am writing about today...]
Something that struck me that day was that it is always inevitable when you put a group of artists in the same room talking about whatever issues there are about art, one thing will always come up, or perhaps one question: that is, what is art? Seems like this is the perpetual question waiting to be solved and perhaps if an answer could be found, the world would be saved. More the 3/4 of the time were spent debating this issue. What is art? What is creativity? Everyone has their view. Some felt strongly about it or are more articulate (perhaps voice was also louder) while others (like myself) were contented to just listen and observe. A few times, i was on a verge of commenting (its an open floor discussion) on some points or the other but the artists just moved way too fast for me. I wonder if it was only me. I felt that the thoughts of those people around me seems to flow very fluidly from one question to another. And before i even knew what was the point being made or make my comments, some other points were brought up or issue raised while my brain was still processing what had just been said. It is actually quite stimulating, keeping the brain on its toes but after a while, you either get frustrated at the pace or what was said or just have a splitting headache.
Anyway, i can't remember much about what I wanted to say except it was something about communication. I think someone mentioned that the art itself is communicative but i didn't really agree because in my line of work, communication always means two-way (i.e. a "linkage" between 1 & 1, you cant communicate with a rock though you can talk to it. Though of course, communication do not mean just speech or verbalizations). Yes, the artist can communicate to the audience with his art and the audience can respond back. But the art piece itself is still basically an object. Without the artist, the audience can only speculate what was being "communicated", and that to me isn't communication since who would the audience communicate to in reciprocal?. Perhaps i am not understanding the point the speaker is making but these thoughts did cross my mind in that juncture, only to be lost quite rapidly as someone else suddenly talked about language and teaching. Well, at least i get to articulate it out on my blog here.
The time to digest or process such issues is usually done after the forum, with him or some of his other friends. To voice out to another person, wait for feedback, digest the information and respond. Perhaps an open floor "discussion" doesn't quite work for me. I find it difficult to "discuss" anything effectively in a big setting. Group of 4-5, yes. Group of 10-20? Not really. To me, anything greater than that didn't mean discussion, it just meant that someone get to voice out their views (if they have a chance) and for others to listen.
Well, it was an interesting forum nonetheless.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
What a coincidence!
Just as i was writing about letting my cat on a diet because he is overweight, an article came out today talking about overweight pets. It seems that cat in particular, tends to become overweight quickly, and at a younger age too. Looks like Ruskie has plenty of company in the diet campaign.
After the vet recommended that my cat should go on a diet, i have stopped feeding him twice a day (once before i go to work and once after i reach home at night) to just feeding him once in the morning. I don't think he is taking to that very well because he kept meowing at me the whole night and looking at his empty bowl so piteously yesterday. It seemed that he was not just taking 2 meals a day but even three because my maid would feed him sometimes in the afternoon when she noticed that his bowl is empty (or perhaps she too suffered from his "i'm-so-pitiful" look). So you can imagine what a big difference it made when suddenly he could only get a bowl of food a day. In the end, i relented a little and gave him a few bits just to calm him down. I guess it would have to be a gradual cold turkey for him or else it may seriously dement the poor fellow.
Well, as much as it pains me to "starve" the poor thing, i guess it is for his own good. Hopefully he will get used to it soon.
Monday, September 8, 2003
Spent last saturday with the girls and our respective boyfriends at one of their houses to celebrate Mid-autumn festival. Quite a relaxing evening drinking wine, watching dvds, eating moon cakes and walking around with our little paper lanterns and sparklers. I guess the highlight of the evening was when three of them got tossed into the swimming pool.
Mom and dad are back from china. Both are looking healthy and happy. Heard that they have been climbing hills and swimming for exercise. After a rather stressful week with the car, i am very glad my dad is back to help me with it now. Somehow dad is always the one to... what i call "shou1 shi4 can2 ju2" (i.e. clear up the wreakage) most of the time. Actually, throughout the year without them, i am slowly learning all the skills to do such things on my own. For example, knowing what is wrong with the house and getting people to fix the aircon, door, house alarm system and the various things that will break down etc. Or even knowing what is wrong with the car from the radiator to the fan belt to the engine fuel tank. The latest new knowledge i have picked up about "what can go wrong with a car" is something called a regulator. Most of the time i fare pretty okie on my own with what little i know and by trying to solve the various little problems, i am accumlating useful knowledge that will come in handy when i have a family of my own. But still, there are days when i cannot help but wish that my dad will be around to tell me what to do.
Somehow, it always feel like there is nothing too great to tackle when dad is around. I think i will probably continue to feel that when i am 37 or 47 because dad will be indefinitely wiser and more experienced than i am. And i appreciate whatever that he has imparted to us throughout my life. When i was young, i used to think that my dad is the smartest man on earth. Even though i don't quite think the same now, i still feel that he is wiser than alot of people i know. He has a wealth of experience and knowledge, while not necessary of the "academic" kind but is exactly the kind that will distinguish you in everyday life. In other words, my dad is particularly shrew and street-savvy. Sure, he didn't exactly do very well in school (he always maintained that it was due to him working and studying part time), but he always said jokingly that he would have scored a distinction if he was tested in "she4 hui4 da xue2" (i.e. "society's university" - real world) and i agree wholeheartedly.
From the day that i was born till now, my dad has lived through many trials and tribulations to reach where he is now, a successful businessman and husband and father. He left his hometown in Muar to Singapore when he was very young and work to support himself through A-levels. He was a clerk in an antique import/export company and later on became a successful interior furnishing businessman. In fact so successful that he even refurnished the sultan's palace in JB. He knew plenty of big shots and made his mark in his early 30s. As he was proud and successful, he too suffered from the bane or temptation of most businessmen, women. But ultimately love for the children and family prevailed and from that experience, he became a better husband. He has always been a good and loving father, and it was from that experience i realized that we, his children, has always come first in his heart.
In the recession of '85, he went bankrupted and lost his business and money. At that time, we had just moved to singapore and for 3 years, we were constantly in debt and was literally living from hand to mouth. To skip a long and tedious story of my childhood, it took my parents almost 5 years to finally reach a stage where we can be comfortable and stop worrying about money altogether. That is not to say that as kids, my brothers and I had a difficult time. Sure, at times we didn't have any pocket money for a long time or any toys or even material comforts that we used to take for granted while living it up as little princess and princes. But we had enough to eat and had lots of fun playing with friends around the neighbourhood. We lived through a period of initial embarrassment of knocking on strangers' doors to advertise my mom's home-catering services and became deliveryboys for a while. My brothers and I had been involved in one way of the other in "illicit smuggling operations" across the causeway while our family were trying to make ends meet. It was a fun-filled and exciting childhood all in all and one thing we had learnt was how my parents never gave up. My dad, though depressed for a while about losing everything, picked himself up and with the help of my mom provided for us whatever they could. Whether rich or poor, up or down, our family had always moved on and my dad has been the captain and my mom, his first mate. It never fail to amaze me how capable my dad is each step of the way and how supportive my mom is (no matter how i joke about her being "childish').
And as i grow older, i value his insights and advice even more once i had to tackle some of life's issues. He taught me about looking into my finances (which i still fare poorly), how to sort out all the little administrative procedures which plagued our daily lives (e.g. CPF, citizenship stuff, passport, lawyers), how to maintain and upkeep a household and car(ranging from maid employment to household appliances and "what exactly is wrong with the car" 101). My dad is a neat and meticulous man who keeps files of all the necessary documents. By the time we reached 18, he has photocopied all my siblings and mine various personal documents (e.g. IC, passports of family, birth cert, reports from school, piano certs) put into each personal folders to be maintained by us. I could only wished that i am half as organize as him but i know he is what i aspire to be in terms of managing my life. Though there are some life values which sometimes we differ in (e.g. i am too "idealistic" and he is too "pragmatic") but he has always given me the choice to do what i want and supported me mentally and financially.
I didn't realize that i have typed so much about my dad. But then there are so much more i could have written about him. He is kind and helpful though some people will find him too pragmatic or materialistic to a certain extend. But he is a good father and role model to me and my brothers, and sometimes the only thing i worry about is not making him proud. Everytime he comes home, he would lament half-smilingly that the pay i take home will never be enough to support myself and try to persuade me to work for him in china. Each time he knows i would declined but that certainly did not stop him from trying. Yet, it was he who gave me money to further my studies when i told him i wanted to be a psychologist and he who still reassure me that money will not be an issue if i wanted to do my phd. Though i know he wanted me to join him in china, he has never asked me to quit my job and always tell his friends that he is glad that his child can go out and do charity work without worrying about money. At times he would be the one to persuade my mom to stop worrying about me and let me do the work that i want to do. And he is the person i will turn to help keep mom off my back as she is the worrywart (i.e. nagging one) in the family.
My dad is 55 this year. He is not looking forward to retirement because he prefers to keep working and keep his mind active. He also said that it is because he doesn't want my mom and him to be a burden for us kids when he is old, when it is actually the other way around because even if he is to stop working now, he could still be capable enough to take care of the rest of the family. He had planned it that way.
Such a long post but really, nothing can be said enough about how much i love or appreciate my dad and my mom. I am really really really lucky to have them and though i know i irritate my mom periodically, i never stopped thanking my lucky star that they are my parents. I only hope they would never ever regret having me as their daughter and that i hope i will never fail them in anyway.
Thursday, September 4, 2003
After losing my pendant last thursday, my weekend went surprisingly well, spending it with friends and him doing various things we enjoyed which include a midnight picnic and watching a silly movie.
Can't say much about last night though. Seems my luck went into the pits again. Shall not write too much but suffice to say, it involved a tow truck and an erractic house alarm system, and the end result of it all is a splitting headache and humongous eye bags.
Right now, i'm feeling like the most unfortunate person on earth which logic tells me, is impossible that i am. Hence i shall just wire my mouth shut and calm my frantic fingers from typing more which i'm sure i would be grateful that i did because in retrospect, i would eventually look back upon this day and LAUGH.
Saturday, August 30, 2003
Friday, August 29, 2003
No, i don't have real hopes that it would ever be found.
Call me dismal and pessimistic
but i worry about omens and signs.
Shit.
I sound so superstitious.
Yet i remember the spanish doll.
Smashed but mended.
Can this be lost and then found?
Hardly likely.
I don't like to see things when they shouldn't be.
Yet, when things are out of my control, i couldn't help it.
This could be an escapist mentality.
I blame myself for my carelessness
and worry if this could herald some deeper loss for me.
I am frightened of losses.
Perhaps some will say then that i am fearful of living too,
since isn't that what life is?
Gaining some and losing some.
Perhaps i am just selfish.
I don't mind losing what is not dear to me.
I embrace highs and lows only with certain stipulations.
Don't mess with my heart.
Don't mess with my mind.
Take my humour, my patience, my time.
Just not my heart or my mind.
This will sound haphazard. Precisely because i am feeling quite disoriented now. Losing my foothold somehow. It may seem inconsequential to most but i have just lost something very very dear to me. A pendant which i have been wearing daily for 5 years since Sept 20 1998. It was nothing expensive, just a little celtic pendant he bought from Ireland while on a trip there. I am quite sure it was never bought intentionally for me either. However, on the day of our departure from singapore to london, on my first year overseas, he put this pendant on me while we were waiting for the flight in the waiting lounge inside terminal 2. I could still remember quite clearly that i have been feeling miserable and sad because it was my first time leaving home to study overseas when he suddenly said that he had something for me. It was barely 2 months after we started going out together "officially" but yet this was one of the most important day of our lives together. It may sound silly but somehow, it has always felt that when he put the pendant on me, from then on, there was an unmistake feeling on my part that we have a bond beyond just friends. Despite many setbacks early in the relationship, this pendant had always made me felt somewhat special, perhaps a sense of belonging when all else around me sometimes denote otherwise. A branding of sort maybe. Branding me to him.
Throughout the years, the pendant lost it initial lustre but it didn't matter. I wore it everywhere i go everyday. On a few occasions when we fought, i took it off as a demonstration of cutting him off from myself but inevitably, it never stay off for more than 3 days. The pendant has grown to symbolize us. During the roughest period of our relationship, the pendant and the ring were the first things i thought of giving up beyond all else. And throughout the last 5 years of us being together, there has only been once when i have ever wanted to give them back to him. The value of these two combined is worth alot more than diamonds and pearls in my mind.
I cannot really articulate what things can mean for one, especially for me. I know i am someone who place tremendous amount of sentimental values on objects. I personify and give meanings to my belonging. Not a particularly good thing in this instance because by giving this pendant such symbolism and meaning, i find myself unable to detach myself from it. Between the pendant and the ring which i am now wearing on my left hand, i would have bear the pain slightly better if i have lost the ring. The pendant is older and was there right at the start. I feel lost without it.
Its stupid. So many times i asked how could i have lost it. How could i? How could i just drop it? I keep thinking and thinking about it. What carelessness? How could i? Where? Somehow i just still want to have hope of finding it but yet not daring to because fearing the disappointment will be greater still. But i am not willing to just let go like that. I am like that. Problem with letting go anything dear to me. Foolish selfishness. Narrowmindedness. Fool. To feel physical pain.
I don't care when you told me it is okie and that i will still feel it in my heart. I don't want to forget. I don't want you to forget. Don't you realize that you might? I don't want to give up. I don't want to hear that you are glad i feel so much for the pendant because it meant that i feel alot for us too. I know that. But this is not about that. This is about keeping hold of my last binding tread to what this relationship has been for me before everything cracked up last year. All my memories and emotions and love was anchored by it near my heart and now it seems everything is chaotic around me. I am feeling lost.
I have not said this for so long. But i love you. And you are right, i do. I just could never say it out loud for the last year. I have whispered it many times inside me and the pendant knows. See. Now everything is unleashed without it. You are glad because what you had hoped to hear has been released. But i have also lost something that stablized me throughout the year. Don't tell me that i shouldn't place so much empharsis on material objects. I don't really care.
I just felt so lost.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Okie.
Will be back in a bit.
Been a whirlwind sort of 2 weeks and now recovering from stomach flu.
Just remember suddenly that i have watched dimsum dollies a while back.
That must have been before national day.
Oh.
watching firewords from across the stadium at tanjong rhu.
Walking all the way from old airport road.
Geez.
Okie.
Leaving little "post-it" on my blog to help me remember.
Head all muddled.
Not in best condition to write anything more.
Will be back in abit.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Seems like there are some speculations of employer's contribution towards CPF being cut.
How nice to have a big rousing NDP celebration, get everyone in the mood and then slash of their savings like that.
Perhaps in the midst of feeling patriotic, people wouldn't mind as much.
Seeing it as serving nation's duty.
Oh well.
Being one with hardly any sense of "country loyalty", i am just natually sceptical of what politicians today say and do.
Hopefully rumours will just remain rumours.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
My old maid had decided to return home back to indonesia. In the her place, a brand new maid who has never been to Singapore before. Seems like another comfort zone is gone now cos' Siti (my old maid) has been with us for almost 5 years and for the whole of last year, she and me has been practically alone in our big big house. So it is safe to say that she knows all my little quirks, from what i like to eat and my habits each day. During the last 5 years she has learnt to cook a mean curry, ginger chicken and yam cake. She has also learnt english during her stay and i must say that her english is definitely better than my berhasa. But i guess it is about time she return home and lead the life she wanted (getting married and having a shop of her own) and all my well wishes goes to her.
Friday, August 8, 2003
Thursday, August 7, 2003
Saw the short free performance at the concourse of the Esplanade.
A pianist and a flutist.
The acoustic was nice.
It is a different feeling altogether, to be able to stand so close to the performance and enjoy the music without much distracting noises (as opposed to people who are busking in the open).
Had a cup of yummy choco chip ice cream at the same time.
Bliss...
Tuesday, August 5, 2003
Monday, August 4, 2003
Thanks lainey for alerting me to the fact that there is something wrong with my comment counter. Strange to say, while people are able to post comments on my blogs, the counter doesn't click. Hence all these while, i have been ignoring my comment buttons because i thought no one had ever commented on anything that i wrote. Not that it really mattered of course, since i am just happily typing my drivel here and there. But it was very nice to go back and read some of the comments friends wrote at different times and i felt really really blessed in some ways because at the times when i thought i was alone, someone is really reading my junk here.
Anyway, thanks for being here with me all these times. It is sort of nice to be reminded that i'm not alone just when i thought that i was. Now if only someone can tell me how to fix that comment button thing. It would really make my day. *grins*
I think i shall go "fiddle".
Monday, July 28, 2003
This tiring roller coaster... brought us back to a levelled plane.
Last sunday, I painted a portrait of him by the beach where we had sandwiches and apples. I was nursing a cold and the sea breeze wasn't helping much yet it was one of the nicer sunday i could remember in a while. I just wanted to paint something, anything. He convinced me to try painting him. I don't know how many times i refused but he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Just try"
I was worried about getting it wrong. Doing a bad job and wreaking the painting. Worried about being laughed at for the sorry attempt. He insisted it would be fine. If anything, he would help me with it. Amidst all my protesting, i started to sketch and erase away my mistakes. Half-muttering to myself that i couldn't do it, he reached over and took over my canvas. I couldn't see if there was any likeness but he thought it was getting on fine and helped me to refine whatever i had on the canvas. By the time i started to paint, the need to be "correct" got alittle less. Before long, both of us were painting on the same portrait. I am not sure who paint what and where or who corrected whom but it became fun and enjoyable again. The mounting pressure of doing a "good" painting in the beginning slowly dissipated. He never once told me that i was doing a bad job and i stop looking at him as though he knew what he was doing. He was just trying, just like me. And what made it work, was that both of us tried without faulting each other in the process. It took a while for both of us to finally stop because there always something we wanted to fix, be it the eyes, the mouth or the rocks. We were so carried away, sitting on our little straw mat beneath the tree. I remembered what i knew of him from before. He could never quite tell when to stop for a painting. I think i'm quite the same way.
I can't say that the portrait of him by the beach was any good. But i can see a certain resemblence. I can see the rocks that both of us just gave up on and decided to go for the "impressionistic" method, the highlights on the face which we couldn't quite leave alone, the funny lips and the over-corrected eyes and the curly italian hair. I could see how the yellow streaks resembling matisse were not there.
"Maybe next time" he said. It was only a joke dear.
He never once laughed at me.
Would you like me to put the painting up?
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
A colleague remarked that i talk too fast.
"Breathe Alice, breathe" she said.
I noticed that too... this quickening of pace in my speech.
Words tumbling over one after the other, in a hurry to outdo each other.
I pant and gasp for air at times, feeling my throat going to give out on me.
Losing my voice.
I don't know why am i in such a hurry these days.
Or have so many things to say.
Or say them so quickly to people.
To be heard, more than to hear.
I can't wait nor stop, like a bull-dozing locomotive, i wait for nothing.
Not even for my next breath.
Squeezing all the mileage from the air in my lungs,
I stop for nothing.
I just want to let it all out, get it all out.
Afraid of being buried, not being heard.
Fear of losing my voice, myself.
I pant and gasp for air.
I know i talk too fast, too loud.
"Breathe Alice, breathe"
Monday, July 21, 2003
17/07/03 Thursday
I brought my mom to watch Fei Yu Qing on the first night of his performance. Incidentally it was also the singer's 48th birthday. Not that it mattered to my mom, she just liked his music and so do i. My dad has been complaining on the phone from china about missing out on his concert but it was just too bad that only my mom was back in singapore at that time.
The indoor stadium was totally packed and my mom could not stop remarking on how popular Fei Yu Qing is, even after so long. The act opened predictably enough with the singer crooning some of the familiar ballards with the ever glizzy backup dancers and life band. He sounded pretty much the same after all these years and surprisingly, i could singalong with most of the songs that night. It is the second time that i have watched him perform.
It is more than a sense of nostagia that i felt that night. I know the songs are familiar but never has other kind of music ever evolved the kind of feelings that 70-80s chinese music would. These are the music that never fails to transport me into a time and space which i could remember but never recall. The feelings and images of childhood that remain locked up deep in my mind except when i heard these songs. I don't recall ever listening to them or ever having a chance to but yet, they are there somehow. The images accompanying them unreachable when the music stopped. It was an almost hynoptic trance that one is in and having some memories which you never consciously knew were there.
Between the songs during the concert, i slipped in and out of having been somewhere else, being another child during my childhood. Where did i remember these songs? Why do i know how to sing them? Why do i feel this way about them? Why do i remember and not recall? Has it been the tv? The radio?
I remember the first time i've seen Fei Yu Qing. It must have been before i was 6, when i was still living in JB. It was a theatre. I think it must have been. A younger man, a smaller space and no dancers but everything else remained the same. The same songs, the same act... except he had one a long strip of pink toilet paper draped round his neck, pretending that it was a scarf while imitating Gao Ling Feng. Another memory intruded: red semi-circular velvet lounge chairs, dance floor, running and gliding and feeling the velvet chairs. My dad in a safari suit and a chinese restaurant. Was i wearing pink? So many songs playing at the same time. I felt like singing. There was just me and one other brother. The two of us running amongst loud people chatting over drinks.
Childhood has always come to me in bits and pieces. But never as clear as when i listen to the music of that era. Never with such clarity and vibrance. It is a sense of being cocoon and wrapped in my old baby blanket and hugging my smelly bolster again. To feel contented and surrounded by something safe and comforting. To remember and to recall finally at that moment where everything stood still.
I don't think anything else could have brought me back that close to my childhood.
My mom told my brother after the concert that i behaved pretty much like a excited child during the show, clapping and singing the songs. "Just like a kid" she said fondly. Perhaps she didn't know how close she was to the truth when she said that.
Its been awhile since i have last blogged and during that time, i have watched one movie, my mother has been back from Singapore and left, both my brothers came back from overseas (canberra and london) and one has already left and i have watched the Fei Yu Qing concert with my mom.
I am quite sure i must have done a million and one other things during these 2 1/2 weeks but perhaps they were inconsequential. I am not sure.
Saturday, July 5, 2003
Went to STORM on friday.
Enjoyed the venue and event though there was a bit of a screw up with some of the DVDs. In particular, his kids' work was not shown and all the girls were quite disappointed. Some of the parents were there too and it got pretty embarrassing i guess. By the time they got the tracks to be shown, the girls had already left. In any case, i am looking forward to more of such events from TAV... I liked the idea of public screenings, using public spaces for artistic purposes. I guess it is something different. I am always looking forward to something different. The sandwiches sponsored for the event tasted nice too. *chuckles*
Work has been hectic with the new operational model in place at school. Students started to come in at 8.15am and the last kids to leave at 5.15pm. Basically, i had to be in classes during that duration, except for lunch time around noon. Things should become better soon once all the children have settled down after the holidays and i should have a bit more time to do my reports rather than troubleshooting in the classroom. Things are quite chaotic as we have a lot of new teachers as well as new students but thankfully, nothing unmanagable as yet, however i do foresee a more hectic schedule for the next half of the year. It seems like i am always lacking in time to accomplish what i have set out to. One thing or the other always needed my attention in the classroom. Checking up on my therapy children and helping the new teachers to prepare what they have to teach. One teacher has already thought of quitting on the third day because she was having a hard time settling into the demands of the job. Not that i blame her, the child she have is a particularly difficult child. But as my colleague and i has shared during the introductory workshop for the teach teachers before school reopened, the work is not going to be easy but there will always be help available. We are all trying our best and even the psychologists would not always have the answers. But i think, not everyone is suited for such a job and it is not something we can force people to do. It is only the first week, i guess it will take some time before everyone gets comfortable with what they are doing.
Monday, June 30, 2003
Everytime, when "I love you" reached the tip of my tongue, in the most appropriate moment, I inevitably swallow it. Languishing in the fact that I still think too much and by the time i have decided that "yes, it is time", the perfect moment has passed yet again. After that heady feeling passed, i think i am relieved once again of having not taking that plunge and settled back comfortably into this little niche.
Dialogue
I know it is your room too but you really shouldn't bite you know...
Yes yes, i understand the feral need for its own territories.
What?
Of course. Like lions.
Just like lions.
No, i would not like to think of us as a herd. No. Not your female.
Think of me as a food and comfort provider instead.
That makes sense. Doesn't it?
Stop showing me your tummy. No, i am not going to rub it.
Oh. Alright.
Where was i?
Yes. You shouldn't bite.
None of those sneak attacks.
None of those "pretending" to be in the jungle/safari pouncing.
No more documentaries for you.
I suspect you watch too much tv. Why can't you be like a soft toy for a change?
Oh. Sorry. I don't mean that as an insult.
...
He is getting quite pissed you know.
I know the room is "your" space for the last 2 years...
but... i have known him for much longer than i've known you.
Fair is fair.
Neither of you is the alpha male.
Yes neither.
Think of him as your brother.
Fair is fair.
And please no more who dominates here games.
It is wearing me out okie?
Now you purr. Everytime you are at the losing end of the argument, you purr.
That's sneaky.
I am on to your little mind games and i am not budging.
Oh? Okie. Maybe just half a bowl more. But that's it. Ok?
Look at your tummy.
Everyone kept telling me how fat you are.
Well, we both know you are just big... Still, got to watch your weight.
Yes. Even cat get obese. That's what the vet said.
Hmm?
Sigh.
I know.
Life is like an endless buffet, sunshine, cuddling and playing to you.
Silly cat. Ouch. Stop biting!
...
...
meow?
...
Silly cat.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
It has only been 10 days but why do i feel like i have been gone for such a long time? I realized i have missed out on a lot of things or things has passed me by and i have been totally oblivious. It is like waking up finally after a long dreamless sleep when i stepped back in tune with the people and events around me, only to find that i have missed a huge chunks of what may have been important.
I don't regret not knowing though.
Just vaguely surprised and intriged at how it had happened.
Is it possible to be in a coma while waking up?
Oh. I just went on holiday.
But from what i have missed, it seemed that i have been on a holiday for a long, long time, not just the 10 days.
Now it seemed a little amusing trying to decipher which is my real life and which is my holiday.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Saturday, June 21, 2003
I fight because i am confused.
That i have no idea where i am
what i am to do
so i strike out, trying to land some punches.
To hit something solid
so as to know my boundaries in this darken halls
around my mind.
I fight because i do not know how
to stop, to feel secure being at peace.
To be still and feel a sense of my own presence
with people around me.
Only in a state of activity do i detect
the space around which i evolved.
I adhor serenity and stillness because
i can no longer feel where i belong
and i am lost amidst a stagnant
existence.
Perth
Been quite a week.
Now adrenaline running low and i just felt like zonking out half the time.
Weather has been fine from the minute i stepped off the plane last friday.
But this weekend has been quite cloudy and perhaps a tad bit of rain.
Thing i really enjoy most this past week was driving around, enjoying the sun and being alone.
Lots to think about and ponder over.
Knowing that i can and will be able to take care of myself.
Not that it is difficult to do so in perth.
But hey, from little victories, we moved to greater ones.
And i want to move.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Finally made my decision.
PHD is off. Decided not to take it up and will not live to regret it.
Wasn't easy coming to that decision but at least it was quite clear to myself why i have chosen not to do it.
Initially, PHD was a goal because that's where the next academic milestone typically is after obtaining a Masters. It is something being kept at the back of my mind after graduation because it was a rational target and one i wouldn't mind working for if i can't find a job. From time to time, i do find myself entertaining that thought of going to study full time for a PHD when job gets tough. And why not? It seemed a logical choice to make. Where else would i be going since i would not consider changing my field of work at all? Obtaining another post-graduate degree seems like a likely plan.
Hence, it seemed like a "sign" that i was even encouraged at work to try for a PHD. Application was sent, testimonial received and 3 months later, i was suddenly faced with the choice of actually doing a PHD. And what followed was a whirlwind of how to manage my study, my work, the practicalities, the time committment and responsibilities being bombarded on me. I guess while trying to make sure that i can accomodate completing the PHD, i have not really asked myself, WHY a phd? What does it do for me? In some crazy ways, i have forgotten to answer the most fundamental question of all. Sure, if phd takes only a year and i am just picking up another degree along the way at no cost of my own, being fully funded for and what not. But no, I must be prepared to give up half my job, which i love to do, just so that i can manage to complete my phd in 4 years time. I have to be prepared to give up my social life, other oppuntunities of extra skills training courses, travelling, and personal space for a PHD. When i am confronted with this, I have to ask myself, is the PHD going to be personally fulfuiling and worthwhile for me to do all that?
So is it?
Why did i complete a masters? Do i really like to study that much? To be frank, my main objective of getting a masters was so that i can be recognized as a practising psychologist and be hired as one. To put my foot into the door so to speak. Because i KNOW that is what i want to do. To be a psychologist working DIRECTLY with children. To do intervention. To affect changes in other's life. To get dirty and scruffy. To not get stuck behind a desk, wear power suits, have my butt glued to an armchair. Those were my goals. They still are. And i must say, my effort at my masters degree had paid off because this is precisely what i am doing now at my job and i LOVE it. So what else can a PHD bring me? Prestige? A comfy chair in some university later in my life? Piles of papers and researches to read through and write? Even if i don't do those, i will be stuck at my job at the exact same place from 4 years ago before i even start the PHD. That is not what i want. It will not add any VALUE to what my goals are. I want to hone my skills as a clinician. To learn new therapy techniques. To work with more children. To understand them better.
Will a PHD by research give me all that? I don't think so. So do i want to sacrifice another 3-4years of my life just to pursue that prestige but little else? If i were to do that, it would mean more than giving up my social life and having fun. I would be giving up the chance to learn new things applicable to my work (since phd require half my work time), and i would be giving up pursuing my REAL goals in life. Sure, i would love to be called Dr Lee, make my parents proud and if PHD can be done in a year or so, why not? But it is not. I realized if i were to take it on, i would be giving up on most of the things that are important to me. If i were to be force to give those up, it damn well be for something that is more fulfuiling that a PHD.
Sorry to have to go through all those things before i make my decision. I guess i wasn't as aware of myself and what i want as i originally thought. Anyway, it was nice to know that i can be accepted onto the program. Perhaps some days i will pursue a doctorate. But this time i'll know exactly what i want and i know doing research is not it. Who knows, perhaps 3 years down the road i could be embarking on a doctorate for clinical psychology where it would be a full time degree with practicum instead of research. That's something i could explore. But till then, its going to be byebye to the PHD and back to work with a new realization of where i want to be in years to come.
I think i will be happier this way.
Saturday, June 7, 2003
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Been trying to garner donations for prizes at our annual dinner & dance for my school.
It has been really really difficult and everytime i call a particular company, i can tell that most would not be very forthcoming with sponsoring gifts for the teachers in this economic climate. Several i have spoken with have rejected me outright and most cited this as the reason why that could not entertain such request for now. I guess i can understand though it is quite sad for us because as a charity organization, we are quite at the bottom of the economic foodchain already. I am really scratching my head trying to come up with enough gifts for the event because the teachers have been quite stressed out lately and the D&D is a good time to finally unwind after a tough year.
In any case, if anyone wants to donate a gift or cheque or vouchers or anything like that... please let me know.
I am definitely still trying... hopefully some companies would be willing to sponsor some nice gifts despite SARS and bad economy.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I screwed up my results delibrately.. and ended up with this..
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Monday, May 26, 2003
Watched the matrix on wednesday...
I enjoyed the philosophy... the room for discussion on the premises and ideology
but i find the action contrived and similar.
A showcase of big budget "never-seen-before" special effects.
I am not easily impressed by special effects i think.
Now lets see how it ends in november.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
This may be silly but...
Your love personality type is ESFJ
About 11% of the U.S. population possesses the combination of traits that make up this personality type.
Being an ESFJ means that loyalty is usually what counts for you. As a result, one of the first things others are likely to notice about you is how invested you are in your relationships. You're rarely a fair-weather friend. In fact, you probably manage to keep many of your important connections with others for life. This isn't very surprising when you consider that you're the kind of person who draws much of your energy from those around you. Your warm and friendly nature is another factor that keeps others with you for the long haul. Regardless of the aspect of your life, you probably find that people naturally gravitate to you.
In relationships, you're the kind who gives your heart but keeps your wits about you. As a result, you have the stuff needed to be a strong partner. Know that you're more committed than most people are to making others happy. You'd likely give away the shirt off your back if it would help someone you care about.
Given your test results, Emode's personality experts have determined your four most compatible matches when connecting with others. One of those four compatible types is an INFP.
Lastly (i will stopped after this for the night)...
I received my offer of candidature for PHD from Murdoch a couple of days ago.
Just when i was all stressed out with the accident, the car, the insurance, my arm, my work, my case conference reports... last thing i needed was to think about how am i going to manage working and conducting an all out research for PHD.
Gave me nightmares.
Now that things are more or less more settled, i had some time to think it through and i wonder how much do i really want to do PHD.
Sure, getting a doctorate is nice. Being called Dr Lee certainly has its merits... What more contributing to an area which i really enjoy working in...
But do i have the determination to carry it through?
And it is not going to be something that will finish in 1 year or even 2...
It is going to take 3-4 years at least.
Plus working on top of that... it meant sacrificing at least 2-3nights a week and couple of weekends a month...
And that is being conservative in my estimation.
No more social life... being discipline... keeping up steady revision and working on the research continual.. for 3-4 years.
I am overwhelmed just thinking about it.
I DO want to get my doctorate.
This is a good chance... whatmore i do not have to worry about money because i have received a grant from the uni exempting me from fees and stuff.
All i need to do is to put in the effort.
Rather, find the time to do it.
One alternative is to work part-time at my job.
It is a possible course of action since the pay-cut would not really affect me much now because i am young and single AND staying with supportive parents.
I realized i am in a good position to take up the offer more than most who need the full time job or those with family.
Yet, i hesitate... and is quite apprehensive.
More of my abilities to carry it off altogether and staying focus...
Boy... decisions decisions decisions...
How do i know if i am capable enough?
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Watched Bowling for Colombine one of the days...
Quite enjoyable, though my companions would probably have enjoyed it more if it has not been a midnight show.
As usual Michael Moore was at his satirical politician-bashing best...
I am not saying that he has been altogether objective but it was enjoyable to hear someone rage against the "almighty" US of A once in a while..
Some premises are interesting, though the pro-canadian stance did grate a trifle..
So... no one lock their doors in Canada huh?
Oddly, one of the person who made the most sense was... surprisingly, Marilyn Manson.
How cool was that?
Been resting arm..
my physiotherapist colleague has been helping me exercise my arm and it has been better..
well.. insurance things are sort of sorted.. Hmm..
end result is fixing car and waiting for the other guy to be convicted..
abit sorry for him actually..
oh well.. just wish whole thing never happened..
or wish if only i have noticed the other car earlier..
just want things to be over and getting on with my life..
Monday, May 12, 2003
Not my most favourite xmen character... but oh well...
You are Storm!
You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.
Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Wednesday, May 7, 2003
Thanks babes for all yer help and suitcase...
Not in the mood to unpack the stuff yet...
Freaking feel like some funeral and saying goodbye to car when went down to remove all my barang-barang.
Realized that my car has become a convenient storeroom for my junk...
Most probably insurance will write-off the car and now feeling dem depressed.
After all the years of driving it, there are some attachment form to good ole 1574...
Damn.
I
Saturday night, while driving back from the movie Xmen2, got involved in a accident where i sprained my elbow and trashed the car. I was driving straight at a junction while the light was green when another car made a right turn from the opposing lane directly into my path. After the impact all i could asked was "Wasn't the light green?" over and over again. I guess in my shock, i couldn't really register what was happening... But i could have sworn that the light was green. My right arm was hurting so badly and partly due to the shock, i couldn't stop crying and was still doing so when the ambulance drove me to the A&E at SGH. Xray showed no fracture though i am expected back for another xray a week later to check if there are any hairline fracture. Was also given 5 days MC. Initially i couldn't move my arm at all, and my fingers felt numb but it has grown better over the last two days. Though it still hurt whenever i move my elbow and it has been a great hassle doing even the littlest things like attempting to dress myself or tie my hair, at least i can type slowly without much pain if i place my elbow on the table and barely moving it.
II
Called my parents in china from the ambulance and within the hour, even my brother called from canberra to see how i was. Everyone assured me that the car is the last thing i should worried about yet i couldn't stop saying sorry to my dad after seeing the wreck. Found out later that the other driver failed the breath analyzer test and was arrested. After settling down and getting over the initial shock, now i have to look into clearing up the mess. Went down to TP today to have my statement taken and found that since there was not witness to say that the other driver has beaten the red light, the case may not hold in a civil court. The investigation may take a few months. In the meantime, i was served a notice stating that i may be charge in the future for dangerous driving despite not having done so because it was part of the TP's standard procedure in such cases till investigations are over, while the other driver is out on bail and will subsequently be charged for drunk driving.
III
After visiting the TP, i had to go to the police post to make another accident report for the insurance company and look into getting my car out from the traffic police pound. After a few misses and going to the wrong workshop (C&C mercedes service centre at Ubi doesn't deal with accident cases), i had to arrange for the car to be towed to Pandan loop instead. Back home making phone calls and found out that i could not fax the letter of undertaking to the vehicle recovery centre, but had to go down personally to the pound at Airport road in a hurry to beat the 5pm closing time. Once there, all i had to do was give the memo from the TP to the reception and i was done. The tow driver was so kind as to give me a lift to the main road.
It was my first time in a tow truck.
So many things to do... Have to go down to pandan loop to get the insurance claim going and clear out my car. Insurance person say that i may not be able to claim against the other driver if he is being charge for drunk driving. What a bloody mess.
It been a hectic day and a rough weekend.
Last four film fest movies: Russian Ark, Eat Sleep No women, Blind Spot and 11.09.01 September 11.
All documentaries.. or sort of.
I wish i can type everything that we had discussed here but my right hand hurt and there are things i just cannot repeat.
Russian Ark -
Beautifully shot. Enjoyed the whole idea of using just one take. Would love to visit the Hemitage one day. What massive planning.
Only thing is that while there were parts i understood, the rest were quite detached from me as i know little of the russian history.
There must be so many layered meanings which i wish i knew about, or the connotations, the symbolism. But i don't... hence a certain sense of alienation.
I remembered you say, the marquise could represent the voice of the The Hemitage. While the unknown narrator could be the future of the Hemitage. In a way it made sense and i liked the idea of history given a physical form and a voice. So many reasons we talked through. It made the film worth watching... these discussions.
Blind Spot -
In comparision, did not have beautiful images that would keep one entralled... instead it was purely a study of human emotions and everything it was, was the story she had to tell. The thing that struck me was the part where she was viewing her own interview and trying to explain again why she said certain things. It must not have been easy.. It must be tedious, having this guilt and having to consciously explain and justify yourself to others.
Eat, Sleep, No Women -
A movie we did not pay for. Snuck into the theatre 15minutes after it started because there were not urshers at the door. It was not planned and i am not saying that i am proud of sneaking in. Felt exhilarating nonetheless. Enjoyable movies. My favourite line: "If my mother saw the tv looking like that (green blobs), she would have called the repair man". It was interesting, tying up different people's experiences in different places on the day of 7th oct. And i enjoyed the director's sense of humor.
September 11 -
Collection of 11 movies from directors all over. Particularly enjoyed the one from africa where a group of boys tried to capture osama bin laden. It dealt with the topic matter in a light hearted manner without dismissing the seriousness of the issue. A little surprise that a majority of the film portrayed the incident no wholly in a pro-US manner. That is quite refreshing. Sept 11 was a tragedy yes, but there were other tragedies before and thereafter, and some perpetuated by the americans. Whether in terms of numbers of casualties or the magnitude of the destruction. What do child refugees in Iran or Africa know and care of what is happening so far away? Especially when they themselves faces tribulations everyday of their lives. I thought what stood out the most was the film from Mexico, where it would have been more successful in my view if they have left out the "moralizing" after the ending where they had a bright light and arabic line: does god's light guide us or blind us. The split second images of people falling from the world trade centre and the continuous voices over darken screen, made me focus not so much the motives of the perpetuators or the repercussions being justified by this act, but the act in itself. The tragedy. The loss. It is really difficult to watch or listen. That's why i thought it was so successful, the visual being so imbedded in our minds that even looking at the darken screen did nothing to minimise the horrors of what we could have seen. By putting the focus on the act, it derailed us from putting forth judgement for the moment but just purely concentrate for a few minutes on the pain and the fear.
